Saturday, April 19, 2008

Global Warming and Icy Beer


Today I had to go pick up my bike. I left it at my daughter's grand-parents place the other day because I needed a car to pick her up. I see the sun shining outside and I figure it doesn't get much better than this, considering it was a white-out snow storm yesterday evening. How does that even happen? And what happened to "Global Warming"? I didn't spend all those years burning wood, driving a gas guzzling Cadillac, making sure the house was well lit (and the basement too) to have to deal with a snow storm in April. Like what do I have to do? Start lobbying for the return of muscle cars and dirtier industrial smoke stacks?

I digress. It's sunny out today lets be happy. I am happy. That is, until I go outside and feel the cold bite of 3 degrees and a wind that blows right through you. It's colder than my wife after I've told her she can't have something. And like both situations you can't really dress right for either.

Doesn't matter though. I need to get my bike and today is the only day I can do it. We spent the day at the zoo. My daughter loved it. It's truly amazing to see how a two year old reacts to new things. I wish I could be half that excited to see caged animals but after so many years of looking at myself in the mirror every morning I find myself quite sympathetic to these poor animals.

I get to my bike around 6:30pm and it's starting to get colder. On top of that, my battery is dead! I try the old push starting thing but it just isn't working for me. I try jump starting from the car but I think the cables I'm using aren't very good and I'm not getting any contact. So I give up. I go to turn my bike around and put it back in the garage and I decide to give her one more up and down the back alley. I run-run-run, then jump on the seat as I drop the clutch. I hear life, but it goes away quickly. I'm regenerated! I try again and again. Finally she starts and stays started. I drive around the block with no helmet on (I really hate helmet laws) and park her in the driveway. Give her a little bit of choke and let her warm up on her own while I get geared up to go.

I flee the place like I've committed a crime. Oh my God! It is COLD. The faster I go the colder I get, but even at a slower speed it's too cold. I decide to go as fast as possible. The less time I'm in this Antarctic like weather the better. I do 150km/h (100 miles per hour) all the way down the highway only slowing down for corners. I'm almost home when I see the cold beer and wine store. I stop in. I don't know what I was thinking. I manage to get my stiff body off my bike and walk in to the store. I get my helmet and gloves off and walk into the walk in freezer where they keep the beer. Man it's kinda warm in here. I grab a six pack of miller but it's warm. I guess they must have just restocked. I try the Stella, warm too. The Coronas are warm. I guess it must be all the bottles. I'll try the cans. I grab a six pack of Bud. It's warm. Every effin beer in the place is warm. Oh well, I keep the Bud and go to the cashier. I complain about all the beer being warm and he responds with a puzzled look, "This beer is Icy Cold sir"

It dawns on me. I'm so cold that cold beer feels warm. I explain my cold ride to the kid behind the cash register. I feel he deserves it after the way I sneered when I complained. I gear up and strap the beers to the bike. I feel a little warmer after spending 5 minutes in the fridge and I drive the 12 blocks home. Park the bike, helmet off, and my hands warm up with a cold beer.

Hope it's warmer tomorrow.

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