Elvis on the Move - Motorcycle Adventure Travel

I woke up to the sound of traffic. I wanted to sleep a little longer but it wasn't a possibility. After being pulled over by the police for the second time I decided to call it quits for the night and find a place to bunk. I knew I wasn't going to find a hotel or a camp sight in the dark so I just parked my bike out of the way and walked into the farmers field adjacent to the gas station. I found a decent spot under a tree. I didn't bother setting up a tent because I didn't want to be too conspicuous. I just put on a sweater and climbed into my sleeping bag and used my duffel as a pillow. The cold weather woke me up so I put on a toque (Canadian for knitted hat) and fell back asleep.

(August 24, 2009 - Near Frankfurt, Germany)The lights on the German police car light up in front of me like a slot machine, only I haven't won anything. I just went through this about a half an hour ago so its old hat to me. I don't even wait for the marquee on top of the cruiser to inform me what to do. I flash my high beams a couple of times to acknowledge them and follow them to the next pull out on the Autobahn. News of my arrival in Germany must have preceded me. I didn't think I was famous enough to warrant my own police escort. I wonder if David Hasselhoff gets this kind of celebrity treatment?

The German police have decided to pull me over and I'm curious to find out why. At this point of the trip there's not much the police can do to me besides write fines and send me on my way. I'm pretty sure that when the police are through with me two things are going to happen. First, I'm going to have a good story to tell and second, the policemen are going to require psychological therapy to deal with the mayhem I am about to unleash on their very orderly world.

(August 23, 2009 - Germany)After filling up with gas I stopped for a quick bratwurst to refuel my tank as well. I had forgotten how much I love German sausage. I retraced my route and headed back to the Autobahn. I wanted to make it to Heidelberg tonight but that was beginning to seem out of the question. Perhaps Frankfurt then?

(August 23, 2009 - Krakow, Poland) I was in a bit of a funk leaving Auschwitz and I wasn't sure how I was going to shake it. The concentration camp had a bigger effect on me than I thought it would. I wasn't sure what it was going to take to cheer me up when all of a sudden I received a sign from the heavens above.

(August 23, 2009 - Krakow, Poland) It was gray and rainy when I entered the lobby of the Hotel Lord in Dębica, Poland. I had parked my bike under an awning to keep it as dry as possible but I knew from experience that I was going to have a fight on my hands getting her started. I didn't even bother putting my gear on. I was soaked by the time I pushed life back into my motorcycle. Not to mention I was a good half kilometer away from the hotel. Wet, freezing, and out of breath I puttered back to the hotel to prepare for today's journey. I had a lot of kilometers ahead of me and the weather wasn't going to make it easier. I choked down three Turkish coffees while I dried off using hotel towels. I wasn't worried about my bike overheating as it idled in the parking lot. The weather was damp and crisp. Good for an air-cooled engine, bad for the pilot. I put on my limited rain gear. I didn't have any boots so I tucked my feet into plastic bags and put my shoes on over t...

(August 22, 2009 - Dębica, Poland) The road from the Ukraine to Poland was not as easy as I hoped. I don't believe I've ever been so lost on such a grand scale. It took a lot of asking before I finally found someone who spoke enough English to get me pointed the right direction. I stopped at a little gas station / cafe for a coffee and I was rewarded with a server who spoke great English. Not only did he draw me out a map with landmarks and signs to look for (complete with Ukrainian hieroglyphics), he also fed me perogies and then wouldn't take my money. He said it was payment for the English lessons but that was just his way of dealing with my objections. My wandering the Ukrainian road system probably added an extra 150 kilometers to my trip but now I was back on the right track. Besides the hour and a half wasted riding was way better than the hour spent at the border crossings. I'll never truly understand the reasons for having two crossings per border. But that...

(August 22, 2009 - Ukraine Republic) I woke up this morning in Rivne. It's a small city in the northwest of the Ukraine Republic. I spent the night at the nicest hotel in town. It cost me roughly ten dollars. I figured I could spend my savings on a lavish supper, but I didn't have any luck with that. Not the lavish part, my meal was extravagant. A cheese platter for four people, bread for a small family, sausage and cold cuts to feed a German oom-pah band, red borscht, Chicken Kiev, and four imported Czech beers (this time Pilsner Urquell). That came to a grand total of fifteen dollars. The girls were laughing when I ordered so much food. They were in shock when I finished it. "How come you not so fat?", was the question the one lady asked. It was too hard to explain a camel and a desert so I just laughed and ordered another beer. I felt great this morning. I knew better than to load my luggage onto my bike. I knew I would be spending the next half hour or so push s...

Friday August 21, 2009 - Kiev, Ukraine This morning I tried to get an early start out of Odessa but that didn't turn out to well for me. My bike had sat for a few days and I don't think it wanted to leave quite yet. I can sympathize. Odessa is such a wonderful city and I truly hope that I will be able to return. I tried and tried to start my bike. I push it up and down the street trying to bump start it, I bypassed the ignition relay to let the starter motor turn it over, and I tried yelling at it. None of these worked. Finally, a group of young Ukrainian men came over and they pushed me. Wonderbar! I'm started. Why are they yelling at me? My bike is on fire! Do I turn it off? It took so long to get going. I turn off my bike and lift up my seat. I had a towel draped over my shoulder to wipe away my sweat so I used it to smother the flames. It would seem that the AC power inverter that I wired has shorted out to the frame and is now a charred burnt mess. I took out my cutter...

August 20, 2009 - Odessa, Ukraine Republic What a beautiful day! Even though I didn't get to bed until around six this morning. I woke up rejuvenated. The countless Redbull vodka's didn't have their usual effect on me. I had all the energy in the world. I showered and got dressed for a day of sight seeing. I figured I should let Marco and Paolo sleep. I'm sure the Karaoke took its toll on my two Italian 'crooners'. I went downstairs for a coffee and was surprised to see my friends already there. I guess the air in Odessa is good for one's constitution. Oh well, no sense in wasting being in good company. Let's make that coffee a Heineken. Marco and Paulo were having travel issues. They had promised to meet a friend in Bulgaria and they had no way of getting there in time. Like myself, they were under the impression that there was a vast ferry network from Odessa. I just to be super clear on this point. There isn't! Ferries are few and far betwee...

August 19 and 20, 2009 - Odessa The beer never tasted so good. I sat in the lounge with Marco and Paulo and consumed one beer after another after another after another. And so on... It was so yummy. I realized I needed to pace myself a little when the guy from the front desk came over and told me I needed to move my bike. When I stood up I immediately needed to sit back down. Hmmmm? This is going to make parking my bike interesting. No biggie. I'll just walk it down. There were a couple of young ladies sitting down in the lounge when I got back and judging solely by their appearance (trust me, they stood out like a sore thumb) I could tell that these girls were working. My judgement was confirmed by Paolo when I sat down. Marco, a better and more trusting man than myself, was willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he's right. Maybe they are just local girls that decided to come down to a hotel, sit by themselves in an empty lounge, and choose a table beside ou...

August 14, 2009 (Somewhere near the Albanian border) I know this is a little late but I was going through some of my helmet camera footage and I came upon this gem of a video. You really need to watch this: After getting through the Albanian border I came to a one way bridge and was stopped there. The young kids of the village swarmed me and I began to feel unsafe. You really need to watch this video to understand what I mean. You can see that these gypsies were sizing me up to rob me. I did manage to get myself free of them, but when I stopped at the next gas station there was a cut on my bag. Fortunately the bottom of my bag was lined with towels so there was no way to get anything valuable.

The motorcycle ride through Odessa was amazing. A feeling of euphoria washed over me as I meandered through the streets of this city. I couldn't wait to see the Black Sea from Odessa. It has been on my mind for so long and today is the day I get to do it! As with most larger cities I have been in during this trip I was lost within minutes. My sense of direction seems to have evaded me and I end up on a highway leaving the city and heading out towards the country. Sheesh. You would think I would get lucky every once in awhile. I decided to stop at a gas station for a drink and directions. my motorcycle needed a rest and I needed some liquids. I grabbed an iced tea and then I noticed something so amazing I was awestruck. Gin and Tonic in a can! I love this country! With an iced tea and six cans of pre-made G&T I asked the girl for directions back to Odessa. The language barrier came into play and the only useful information I got was a finger (not that one) pointing back the way ...

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August 19, 2009 Somewhere in Moldova (Again?) After my new Russian friends left me behind I slowly geared up and continued my journey towards Odessa. About 30 kilometers down the road I passed the Russians who were stopped at the side of the road. I thought about joining them again but I decided to keep going. Besides I was traveling at a good pace and my front brakes still don't work as well as they should. I honk my horn and wave and they return the wave. Man! They look like they're really enjoying themselves. I honestly don't know if I could travel in a group, but I can see the allure of having companions. Of course, before I could ride with a friend I would actually have to have a friend who would want to torture himself with this kind of a ride. And he (or she I guess) would have to be the kind of friend who wouldn't keep telling me what kind of idiot I am for not having a plan, or route, or bike, or clue. Nevermind. Sounds like to much trouble. The lone wolf rides...

August 19, 2009 – Afternoon I'm being pulled over again. I really dread the feeling I get when I'm pulled over for the first time in a new country. You really just don't know what to expect. I mean, I kind of know what to expect, but I never know what the outcome is going to be. One of the things that I have learned in my travels is that the police in most of these Eastern European countries want my money. What I don't know is the tactics they are going to use to get it. Fortunately, thus far they have only resorted to using broken English and sign language. Someone really should remind them of how heavily armed they are and how unbelievably alone I am. "Papers?", he says in his thick accent. Everytime I get asked this question I always feel like I'm in some war movie. I see a confused look on his face when I hand him my documents. Sweet, the match has begun and the first round goes to yours truly. The word they use for a traffic fine in the Ukraine is, ...

August 19, 2009 – Afternoon I'm in the Ukraine and heading to Odessa! The border crossing was pretty easy in comparison to many others. It still took forty five minutes but it wasn't terrible. Unlike my new friend Mikhail from Italy who was heading up to Russia for work. They went through his vehicle with a fine tooth comb. They have two lineups for the crossing into the Ukraine. The “Red Line” and the “Green Line”. He was in the “Red Line”. You don't want to be in the “Red Line” because that's the spend a few hours getting to know your customs officer line. It has a pit underneath it so they can inspect your undercarriage as well. I chose to go through the “Green Line” and it was much simpler. At this border crossing, the Moldovans and the Ukrainians share office space. I'm not sure whether I'm coming or going, I just float around and try to get someone to point me somewhere. After the Moldovans release me from their country the Ukrainians have me fill out a fo...

August 19, 2009 – Ukraine Republic? Now I thought the roads in Bulgaria were the worst that Ive seen. Let me clarify that. I thought the roads in Bulgaria were the worst that I have seen called 'highways'. I have seen some bad roads. The worst have to be the mountain crossing through Pogradec in Albania. But they didn't call that a highway. I think the term the Albanians used was 'goat path' or some translation that doesn't mean quite the same thing in English. The 'highway' here in the Ukraine is terrible but I'm used to bad roads. The first chance I get to make a decision regarding direction I get it wrong. Fortunately, I hit a dead end fairly quickly so I've only lost ten kilometers at he most. I go back to the fork in the road and take the other branch. That's where I see this beauty of a motorcycle with a side car. This is just such a rare find for me. The guy that owns it laughs at me taking pictures of it. Twenty kilometers down the ro...

August 19, 2009 – Morning Recap: Elvis was being led by the young border guard to the return line to Romania, his bike still impounded, and all of his gear still at the hotel in Moldova. Could this be the end of Elvis and his trusty cafe racer as they travel around the world together? The story begins... again. The guard was moving at a terrible pace. It's a good thing I lost all that weight and ran every morning prior to taking this trip. The “Fat Elvis” would have had a heart attack running up these stairs. The “Fit Elvis” only had a minor heart murmur. It didn't help that I could feel the lump in my throat as I knew my adventure was ending here, right now. How will I get my stuff back? I mean I have all my camera equipment in my shoulder bag but my clothes, my laptop, my tools. They're all in my army bag. This is going to suck. I'm going to miss my toiletries. At least I'll smell like a local when I take the bus ride of shame across Eastern Europe. Where's th...

August 19, 2009 – Morning in Moldova The morning couldn't come quick enough. I set my alarm for 6am and I was happy to hear it when it came on. I drifted in and out of sleep all night waiting for the Austin Powers theme (for Canadians who remember it was also the theme to the game show 'Definition') to wake me up. I was worried sick. My bike was confiscated by the Moldovan border guards and I wasn't sure what to expect this morning. I was getting ready to start some kind of international incident if I had to but I have a feeling there isn't a Canadian embassy within a thousand kilometers of here. I'm in a particularly uninhabited corner of the world where I don't think things like 'habius corpus', due process, heck... I doubt they even know what the Magna Carta was. Democracy is in very short supply up here. We're as close to being in the epicenter of communism as I care to be and although these little states have freed themselves of mother Russi...

August 18, 2009 Evening It's the strangest thing about Europe. Everytime you get to a new country you don't go through one border crossing, you go through two. They always make you leave the country you're in first and then enter the country you're going to second. I'm going to say this one time so that there is no confusion. “European bureaucrats are stupid.” I mean, let's face it. Who cares if you leave the country? Good riddance I say. What is the purpose of checking out? It's not a hotel. I didn't drink the mini bar clean and I'm trying to get away without paying. Like “fuck-off” you uniformed bureaucrat with a meaningless job. Go do something useful like filling the potholes with your useless corpse. Sorry. I shouldn't talk this way but it's just so damn wasteful. You're paying these useless pricks anyways make them do something useful. At least make them sweat. So I breeze through the Romanian exit border and I arrive at the Moldova...

After my Evil Kneival stunt I cruised into Galati. The last town before he Moldovan border. I was lost immediately. I didn't want to screw around so I stopped for gas and asked for directions. The two young men decided to draw me a map. I seemed to get it until a young woman walked up and asked if I speak English to which I joyfully replied, “Yes!”. She explained the route different. As a matter of fact the route the guys drew made sense to me. Her map was confusing. Plus, the first right the guys drew she made a left. Very different maps indeed. I will need to make a decision. I'm going with the guys. As I leave I see the girl in front of me roll her window down and motion me to it. “It's better you follow me!” (insert Romanian accent) “OK!”, this is good news indeed. We get out into traffic and make our way slowly down the main thoroughfare. The we take that first left. SSSCCCCCRRREEEEEECCH!! She's off like a bandit. Follow me? She said follow me? She meant chase me....

The day started out, let me rephrase that, the day didn't start. I got on my bike, put it in neutral, pushed the start button, and... nothing. Shit! I would say 'shoot' but this is the Internet. I need to get a reaction and express myself accurately. OK. Flick the key back and forth and toggle the stop-run-stop switch. Try again... “wrrrr....wrrrr...wrrrr...wrrrr....wrrrr”, no chitti chitti bang bang. Frick! (Editors Note: Trust me on the fact that Elvis didn't say 'Frick') It wouldn't be such a big deal but my bike always draws a crowd, which seems to be dissipating now. Time to push start. I've done this before and I have to say it never took me as long to get my motorcycle to start as it did today. Probably the new exhaust. Speaking of which I'm exhausted. It took my over half and hour of pushing to get it going. I was starting to worry, but when do I stop worrying? I bid farewell to the Romanian town of Constanta and I got on my way. The route wa...

The one thing I have begun to dread on this trip is running out of gas and... BORDER CROSSINGS!!! I hate them. You just never know how you're going to be treated or how long you will have to wait. I know Bulgaria is part of the EU, but it's not part of the western part of the EU and it has strange rules. Every step along the endless border crossing makes me more and more confused. I kept getting asked for a “chip”. I have no idea what they were talking about but when I gave them the confused look they kept waving me through to the next checkpoint. I don't think I will ever understand what they wanted but I have a feeling it had something to do with the sign that said you have to pay to drive on the Bulgarian roads. After ten kilometers I became very happy that I didn't pay for it. These roads are, for lack of a better word, shit. Shit, shit, shit, and more shit. It' only one word but it is so accurate. These aren't roads they're goat paths with a little bit...

Everybody has a “bucket list”, that is a list of things to do before you die. Well... I have a list so long it would take two rolls of toilet paper to list it. There are minor things like, celebrate New Years Eve in Rome, which I have done, to major events like watch the birth of your first born, which I have also done (and I wasn't hung over afterwards). Today I can check off two more: 1.Ride a motorcycle to Istanbul, and 2.Ride a motorcycle to Asia. I have gone years without being able to even check a single item off my list, yet this year I'm about to have a bumper crop. My new muffler is making my bike growl. It's really sexy! Plus, I think I'm actually moving faster. This new high performance muffler was expensive, but I like it! The road out of Istanbul is great. I'm hightailing it to Bulgaria and I'm not going to waste anytime. I have been humbled by my midnight run into Istanbul and I know I'm riding on borrowed time. I need to make hay while the sun...

I decided that if I can get a new muffler I will drive to Asia, otherwise I will make a hasty escape out of Turkey (I'm sure I'm not the first person to do that) and head straight back to Croatia. Success!!! It cost me a fortune but the new high performance muffler is something else. The guys at the shop took every muffler they had and tried to fit it before we got to this little beauty. 500 Euro. How am I going to pay my credit card when I get home? I'm going to be in shit when my wife sees my credit card bill. But on the plus side, think of all the Aeroplan points I accumulated. I think when all is said and done this trip is going to cost me the Range Rover Izabel wants. In all fairness how can I say no to the woman who lets me tour Eastern Europe alone? Not Eastern Europe. Eastern Europe and now Asia. I am going to cross the bridge to the Asian continent. My bike is purring like a tiger and when I hit the throttle it growls now. I like this. Of course for 500 Euro I coul...